i don't even know what's real // audrey

"Yes," Diana replied shortly, her gaze turning away and her fingers drumming on the table anxiously. She contemplated telling him everything- she didn't usually, but this was no ordinary human. It was unlikely he would care or even remember after returning to heaven. Maybe once she'd spoken to him more, had a few more drinks, she could open up to him. It would be almost like having a friend again, but with no long term requirements.

But how could she describe the way her life had crumbled around her? How she'd lost everything that defined her and wandered for a year between jobs and apartments, until she'd found the hunters? There were no words to describe the hollow fire that still burned in her chest to this day. She couldn't even journal about it, sticking to safer topics or short stories instead.

"I've been a hunter for a few years now," she said, switching back to a safe topic. "Mostly I go after vampires, for... obvious reasons, but I have experience with most of the supernatural. You're my first angel, though." That sounded bad, so she gave him a faint smile. "Not that I'm trying to kill you, of course."

Diana picked up her turkey club and took a bite, chewing it several times before she responded. Theo really knew how to ask the big questions, the ones that reminded her how different she was from who she used to be. It was an interesting dynamic, since nobody had taken the time to get to know her after she'd dropped out of college. Well, that might have been because she usually didn't let them.

"It's complicated," she said. "Being a hunter isn't- I'm given instructions on what I'm hunting and where, and I go. I kill whatever I'm sent to kill- I prefer guns, but they usually have altered bullets that can take down supernaturals. Being a human is more difficult- there's my job, taxes, rent, insurance, transport. And that's not even the emotional side of things, just the practical."

Diana wiped her mouth with the cloth napkin, pausing to take a breath. She downed the rest of her drink, letting the warmth spread through her throat, before she continued. "Emotionally, most people have a lot going on. Boyfriends, girlfriends, partners, friends, parents, siblings, goals, dreams, doubts, fears. It can all pile up pretty fast." She was hoping he wouldn't notice the shift in her verbiage- she had gone from talking about her experience practically to others emotionally. As of recently, she'd only had the last two items in her list, plus a nasty tangle of grief and hatred that many people didn't sit with.

"I think most of us are notoriously bad at balancing it all. You get a new partner and your friends fall to the wayside. You forget to call your parents. We prioritize what impacts us most at that moment. So not every one of those things is something you think about each day- it's more like a constant rotation of things through your brain on a weekly basis."

Diana had already waved down the waiter for more wine, hoping Theo didn't know how much alcohol people normally consumed. When she went hunting she had to drink more, and it made her feel slightly addicted. "Try the wine with your pasta," she said with a faint smile, glad to see his interest in his food.

The lightness from her few drinks was making her a little less inhibited, and Theo wasn't really human, so she had a much easier time talking to him. "For me, I think it's a little less complicated," she continued, eating the last of her sandwich. "I don't have parents or siblings, or a partner. I have only a few friends, and one real goal in life. So fewer things take up more of my time." Not that they were pleasant things. "But I spend my free time reading and writing- it helps the distractions fall to the wayside."

Diana watched him sip the wine, and his reaction to it obviously amused her. For a brief moment there was a genuine smile on her lips- not one twisted by sarcasm or wryness, but a flash of happiness. It transformed her features, softened her face. Her full lips spread momentarily, her brown eyes glimmering in the evening light that streamed in through the window. He had no true experience with the things she knew so well, and it was a brief distraction.

Then the moment was gone, and her face was back to its regular expression- pretty, but stony. She didn't mind his forwardness as others might have- she didn't have the patience for playing by society's rules, and she often asked the same kind of direct, often tactless questions. It was only fair that he get a glimpse of her, too.

"I used to be the kind of person who had a lot of friends," Diana said with a shrug. "I've changed a lot in the last few years. I let those relationships fade away- they didn't give me the same kind of satisfaction they used to. I don't think I need them as much, anymore." That part was a half-truth, but it was what she told herself. Better to believe that than admit that she feared genuine connection, that she was scared to know and love anyone just to have them leave her again. "Do angels have... friends? Or partners?"

"Sounds more like a cop's partner than marriage. People who are married can't always rely on one another anyway." A faint scowl played on her lips, bitterly remembering her father before she continued. "But that makes sense. It's smart of you guys to support each other like that."

Diana drowned another glass of wine, good and thoroughly drunk now. She liked and disliked being drunk- her moods were more variable, her emotions more visible, but there was the pleasant energy in her chest that washed away a lot of her negativity. The odds were ten to one that she would find a random person to hook up with tonight- good thing they had separate bunks. She always craved affection more openly when she had been drinking.

"Do you have a partner?" She asked, tilting her head. "If so, where are they? What are they like?"

"I hope you find your partner one day- and I pity the angel boss that stuck you with me," Diana said with a laugh. Though some hunters were more abrasive than her, she wasn't exactly a kind, cooperative person. "I hate to sour your view of humanity." She waved down the waiter for the bill.

"I'll see you in the morning, then?" She stood, steadying herself on the table. "I'm going to go pay with our nice hunter company card, then I'm going to the bar car." Diana waved at him briefly before moving off to do exactly as she said. She tucked the card back in her bag in her sleeping compartment before making her way to the bar.

It didn't take too long for her to find someone- an older, rugged looking man who paid for her drinks and complimented her almost innocent good looks. She knew when she sobered up she would be disgusted with herself for giggling at his jokes and leaning into his hand when he touched her cheek. But for the moment, she soaked in the positive attention, her inhibitions washed away by the liquor.

"That's the nicest thing you've said to me," Diana told him on her way out. She had said a brief goodnight, and didn't expect Theo to be looking for her at the moment. He was far from her thoughts at the moment, her attention wrapped up in her newfound friend.

He bought her another drink, and she sipped it as they chatted about inconsequential things. Whenever she met strangers that she hoped never to see again, she lied about everything, from her name to her career to her past. It was a fun game, creating an identity that didn't weigh on her as heavily as her real one.

Diana lost track of time quickly in the bar car, especially when the rugged man started kissing her. It had been a long time since she had been genuinely kissed- that is, by someone who knew the true her and accepted her entirely. Plenty of strange men had kissed the persona she crafted in her drunkest moments. It felt nice, to feel someone's hands on her, pulling her in, lavishing her in a momentary affection that made her heart soar. She always came crashing down in the morning, but on nights like this she could forget all her mistakes.