Jul 14, 2020 4:16:11 GMT
Post by ian on Jul 14, 2020 4:16:11 GMT
depression , numbness , brief mention of disordered eating
sorry this is a lot i'm totally not projecting at all what are you talking about
SHE WANTED TO BE SMALL, TO DISAPPEAR INTO THE UNIVERSE. She wanted to feel the same way that she imagined a speck of dust felt. She wanted to feel like nothing, like the sands of time were not marching on, like she was not leaving herself behind. It was why she had come to this city in the first place; it couldn't be that hard to lose yourself in a sea of eight point three million people, right? So, she'd packed all of her things into three suitcases, packed her car, and kissed her mother on the forehead. Somehow, both of them knew that when she exited their drive way that day, she wouldn't ever come back. She had cried most of the thirteen hour drive to the city as she watched her life both fade off into the distance and get closer and closer over the horizon. She had found a cheap apartment, a microscopic basement apartment without windows. It was dirt cheap, the middle aged couple who owned the entire unit provided her with internet and she was allowed one laundry cycle a week. What else could she, a young grad student, need? Still, even when she settled into her corner desk, she felt no different than how she had when she had lived in her mother's trailer. She hadn't lost herself in the city, at least, not in the way she had anticipated. She had certainly lost a part of herself in moving so far away from everything that she had ever known, but the insignificance she felt in the city was not the same insignificance she felt when she looked up at the stars back where she had originally come from. It was a lonelier insignificance, one that made her question her purpose in a way that made her feel.... nothing. Unprofoundly nothing.
The nothing had started to impact her three days before. It had started with an aura. This wasn't necessarily common of a mood swing, but it also wasn't uncommon to her. Before she knew it, she was curled up in bed, nursing a migraine and feeling the clawing of nothingness in her chest. It tore threw her, first quietly stealing breaths and within a day, she was consumed by the... absence of everything. It was almost a relief, in a twisted kind of way. At least the nothing was numb; she had been craving the numbness since the day that she was made fully aware that her sadness would follow her no matter how far she ran. That was a sobering thought, one she didn't have the tools to cope with. At least the nothing wasn't that, the realization that you had already squandered your life and had a lifetimes worth of mistakes you'd never be able to fix.
She had coped with these feelings as best she could for as long as she could. She had pushed herself to do more work, to produce better, stronger, harder. It had worked for a while. The exhaustion of working for nineteen hours a day came quicker than it normally did, and she fell face first into the pit of her own despair. She allowed herself to stay there, feeding the pain with a bottle of various liquids not meant to be mixed, for forty eight hours. Upon the forty ninth, the numbness started to settle. It had been seventy eight hours since the numbness started to trickle, she found herself in this moment.
She looked like someone who hadn't slept in days, which she hadn't, and there was a profound beauty in the deep bruise colored circles under her eyes. She looked so fragile, and with her hair pulled into a messy bun, she also looked young, like she really was a twenty something that didn't really know what she was doing in her life. She almost didn't recognize herself; she'd lost even more weight since she'd last checked, and it was starting to make her look gaunt. Her mother would be disappointed. Then, she would have been proud of her daughter for forcing herself out. She reminded herself of this as she steadied her gaze. She had to get out of here; the cement walls had been caving in on her. She wasn't entirely sure where she was headed, but she wore her bag on her shoulders, so whereever she was going to end up, she was confident that she'd be working on her thesis. She nodded once, before walking up the stairs and entering the bustling streets of New York City.
sorry this is a lot i'm totally not projecting at all what are you talking about
SHE WANTED TO BE SMALL, TO DISAPPEAR INTO THE UNIVERSE. She wanted to feel the same way that she imagined a speck of dust felt. She wanted to feel like nothing, like the sands of time were not marching on, like she was not leaving herself behind. It was why she had come to this city in the first place; it couldn't be that hard to lose yourself in a sea of eight point three million people, right? So, she'd packed all of her things into three suitcases, packed her car, and kissed her mother on the forehead. Somehow, both of them knew that when she exited their drive way that day, she wouldn't ever come back. She had cried most of the thirteen hour drive to the city as she watched her life both fade off into the distance and get closer and closer over the horizon. She had found a cheap apartment, a microscopic basement apartment without windows. It was dirt cheap, the middle aged couple who owned the entire unit provided her with internet and she was allowed one laundry cycle a week. What else could she, a young grad student, need? Still, even when she settled into her corner desk, she felt no different than how she had when she had lived in her mother's trailer. She hadn't lost herself in the city, at least, not in the way she had anticipated. She had certainly lost a part of herself in moving so far away from everything that she had ever known, but the insignificance she felt in the city was not the same insignificance she felt when she looked up at the stars back where she had originally come from. It was a lonelier insignificance, one that made her question her purpose in a way that made her feel.... nothing. Unprofoundly nothing.
The nothing had started to impact her three days before. It had started with an aura. This wasn't necessarily common of a mood swing, but it also wasn't uncommon to her. Before she knew it, she was curled up in bed, nursing a migraine and feeling the clawing of nothingness in her chest. It tore threw her, first quietly stealing breaths and within a day, she was consumed by the... absence of everything. It was almost a relief, in a twisted kind of way. At least the nothing was numb; she had been craving the numbness since the day that she was made fully aware that her sadness would follow her no matter how far she ran. That was a sobering thought, one she didn't have the tools to cope with. At least the nothing wasn't that, the realization that you had already squandered your life and had a lifetimes worth of mistakes you'd never be able to fix.
She had coped with these feelings as best she could for as long as she could. She had pushed herself to do more work, to produce better, stronger, harder. It had worked for a while. The exhaustion of working for nineteen hours a day came quicker than it normally did, and she fell face first into the pit of her own despair. She allowed herself to stay there, feeding the pain with a bottle of various liquids not meant to be mixed, for forty eight hours. Upon the forty ninth, the numbness started to settle. It had been seventy eight hours since the numbness started to trickle, she found herself in this moment.
She looked like someone who hadn't slept in days, which she hadn't, and there was a profound beauty in the deep bruise colored circles under her eyes. She looked so fragile, and with her hair pulled into a messy bun, she also looked young, like she really was a twenty something that didn't really know what she was doing in her life. She almost didn't recognize herself; she'd lost even more weight since she'd last checked, and it was starting to make her look gaunt. Her mother would be disappointed. Then, she would have been proud of her daughter for forcing herself out. She reminded herself of this as she steadied her gaze. She had to get out of here; the cement walls had been caving in on her. She wasn't entirely sure where she was headed, but she wore her bag on her shoulders, so whereever she was going to end up, she was confident that she'd be working on her thesis. She nodded once, before walking up the stairs and entering the bustling streets of New York City.